Anxiety

This process is making me smoke, a lot.  That's how I know I'm stressed out.  Anytime I crave cigarettes until I feel light headed and sick, I'm stressed out.  I'm obviously not very tuned into myself.  


This is really happening.  The fact that I made it happen does not make it any less anxiety provoking.  I am fundamentally altering the trajectory of my life, and that scares the shit out of me.  


I get congratulations and well wishes, and accept them with a forced smile.  Everything I know tells me this is a good move for me, and I know I'll have a great time.  I'm excited to be teaching full-time after struggling to find such a job for two years.  I'm excited to live alone for the first time, no roommate!  But I'm sad to be leaving someone I love and have enjoyed sharing the past three years of my life with.  


That's really what it comes down to for me.  Choosing myself over my relationship.  It feels selfish, but I know it's the right choice, even if it doesn't feel that way.  


I keep having these little moments in my life that remind me I've made the right choice.  The most obvious came last night in the form of a fortune cookie.  

That has to be a sign, right?! 

In any case, I just sent over my documents, so now it's out of my hands.  

Don't get the wrong impression, I'm excited to teach in Korea, and I know I'll do a great job, but all I hear is how psyched everyone else is.  I'm excited, but there's a whole lot of other shit going on in my head too.  

The Actual Interview

For those of you interested, here's the low down on what happened.  

First of all, it was comical.  The interviewer had a very close, very crooked, camera angle.  Through the camera I could see people behind her also conducting interviews, and if the definition was better I am certain I could have seen the other applicants on their screens.  However this wasn't much of an issue as shortly after the interview started the woman interviewing me said the connection was slow and she was going to turn off the camera.  I lost my feed of her, but was not sure whether or not she could still see me.  Being paranoid, or cautious if you're kind, I kept my expression serious but kind.  It felt ridiculous. 

The majority of the time was spent covering what was in my application packet.  Because I had lived in Korea for a year when I was a child she also asked me some questions about that.  She wanted to know how I expected to deal with the different culture and not knowing the language.  Also, she asked what I knew about the schools, i.e. the cooperating teacher situation.  I found some of her questions confusing and unclear, but I just did my best to answer.  I did ask her to clarify something once and she didn't seem to mind.

She wanted to know if I would drop out if I didn't receive an urban setting, as that was what I had stated as a preference, and she had the same question about if I was employed in a grade other than my first choosing.  I think they're just really interested in people who are committed, and who they can count on showing up if hired.  

The difficult part came at the end when I had to explain my hypothyroidism.  It's what I consider a minor medical condition but I do have to take a pill everyday.  After assuring her that I could get a one year supply, and that the only side effect that might impact my job performance was some grogginess, it obviously wasn't seen as an issue.  We also had a lovely conversation about my tattoo, which is comically enough of the national flower of Korea.  

After going over these questions she gave me some information about when to expect a decision and how much  money I would need to bring.  After the interview I had worried over how short I had perceived my answers to be, but it all turned out well so I guess that wasn't a problem!  I asked one question about placement but I figured these people have a long week of interviewing people back to back, asking the same basic questions over and over again.  It's probably a wearisome process for them so if I have any advice it would be to make it as easy and pleasant as possible. 

Accepted?!

I had my interview with EPIK on Thursday.  Friday I received an email informing me I had passed.  It was much faster than I had expected (being told at the end of my interview I would hear in two or three days), which I suppose is a good thing, but it really took me by surprise. 


It made everything very real, where as before the prospect of living in another country to teach English for a year felt very far off.  It went from something that would eventually happen into something that was going to happen, and in four months.  To be honest I felt a little overwhelmed.  


I've been thinking about this since December, when I first applied to Footprints to begin the process.  I've thought about the logistics, what will need to be done at my home here in the States, and felt nothing but excited over the prospect.  Now I feel decidedly hesitant.  I've left the country before for a semester in Ireland, but I knew I was coming back, and I knew when and where I was coming back to.  Now everything feels far less decided.  What if I love it there and want to stay another year, or three?  What if I have a great opportunity to teach in another country after my year in Korea?  And if/when I do come back to the US, where will I live?  I've been living in and loving Vermont for the past six years, but it's a hard job market here and the cost of living is high.  Besides, right now my major tie to the state is my live-in boyfriend, and we obviously won't still be together when I get back.  Well maybe that wasn't obvious, but it's unrealistic and unfair to both of us to think we'll stay together while I'm away for an undetermined period of time, or to think that once I return we'll both have saved ourselves and be ready to jump back in where we left off.  


So essentially I'm leaving the comfortable and somewhat stable life I've built for myself over the past couple of years to try something I'm not even sure I'll like and that makes it very difficult for me to plan my future.  Though I have my doubts I know I'm doing this.  It's something I've thought and talked about for awhile now, and being too young to settle down I feel it is the logical decision to make right now.  Ultimately, I know I would regret not going, but I don't think I'd regret not staying.